Thursday, January 20, 2022

What’s been going on.

Wow, I see the last time I updated this thing was 20th August 2020, I can’t believe it’s 2022 already. I can still remember starting my channel in 2015, I can’t believe it’s been seven years already.

Anyway, lots has been happening since and I mean LOTS.
And all this is aside from the Covid. Meaning this situation has got nothing to do with Covid lockdowns etc etc, which to be frank I’m tired of hearing about. Every social media platform and TV channel seems to be saturated with Covid, it’s become an obsession. Thank goodness I stopped watching TV 18 years ago. I’d prefer not to be programmed what to think and how to feel.

Okay so whats been happening the past 2-3 years, And why my video posting has drastically reduced. I’m about to share a side to me which I don’t usually share.

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In 2019-2020 I was going through a personal dilemma, a few setbacks in life. Topping all that I struggle with high functioning depression and anxiety, I have done for most of my life, but it flared up in this period of time and became not so high functioning. It got the better of me.
Yeah behind all the giggling and laughter you see on my channel, And the photos I post of my adorable little d!ckhead cat, whom I love to pieces. There is a very pensive soul who keeps quiet about her struggles.
True mental health sufferers do Not constantly make a public show about their suffering and ‘mental health’ on social media or otherwise… Ever!
I’m a very private person and hate talking about it or mentioning it, to be frank, I’d rather you not know about it. So then why am I telling you? Well, when it starts hindering my video output the way it has over the last 2-3 years and there are people following and supporting me, who have noticed it. I feel then It’s best to share with those of you who genuinely care. I’d rather you have some sort of an idea of what’s going on in the background. After all you’ve taken the time to engage with me via my videos and to appreciate them. It means more than you realise and I feel sentiments like that deserve more value than they get in our desensitised society these days.

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So yeah, 2020 wasn’t the easiest of years, I needed help and support, actually I needed therapy. I had a few sessions with a therapist? who really wasn’t helpful, so I felt I had to deal with it by myself, which didn’t work out too smoothly. But I’m a fighter, I’ve dealt with and fought more toxic people throughout my life than I can count on all my fingers and toes. Yeah there’s a lot of unpleasantness in my history. There’s been backstabbing, there’s been abuse, there’s been a lot more which I’ll spare you the details of. Yeah I’ve had an unpleasant ride in life, been there done that got the f**king scars to prove it.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though, thankfully going through these intense experiences has given me an internal bullsh!t meter (I sometimes call it the Fakeometer) and even though I’m outwardly polite and don’t let on, oh don’t be fooled, I can sense a steaming pile of bullsh!t coming before it‘s first ever contact with fresh air.

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Late 2020 till first quarter of 2021 I was having huge issues with a friend, almost losing them, which would’ve been devastating, I had to take care of their mental well being as well as my own, simultaneously. That’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do and it took it’s toll on me and left me shattered internally. You see I value true friendships, I know I seem bubbly and friendly when talking to people, but I’m actually an introvert and I don’t like surrounding myself with crowds of people to give everyone an illusion that I have a huge grandiose presence, I’m strong enough not to feel the need to do that.
I’m more fulfilled with a few but meaningful friendships, this is why I’m very picky with friendships and who I allow into my circle. I’m the type where my close circle of friends comes close to being family.

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Anyway around a similar time 2021, I had started talking to, who is now my other half, Rich. With all the chaos happening in each of our lives at the time it was hardly a romantic setting, but in a funny sort of way, it brought us closer. He was also seriously needing a break from what he was dealing with too. The highly toxic and manipulative person in his life at the time.
I truly believe narcissism is the worst pandemic yet. It insidiously f##ks up so many lives and so many feed and enable it. Sometimes unknowingly, sometimes knowingly

So yeah 2021 has been a complete f#@*”$# A$*hol€ of a year, talk about fights and emotional roller coasters, you name it.
But you see going through enough of this crap makes you more of a fighter, more wise and much more aware. Same goes for Rich, he’s also woken up and seeing things and people for who and what they truly are now. Kind and caring people can only be pushed so far before something snaps inside them. And then It’s truly ‘Game Over’ for the toxic manipulative narcs when that happens.

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Right I know this post has been gloomy so far but I’m not going to sugar coat and paint superficial rainbows and hang patronizingly positive quote plaques onto it to cover it all up and minimise it. It needed to be said.
But now, shoo dark cloud! … Lets lighten things up a bit.

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Amongst all this, Neelix is now staying with us full time. He wasn’t my cat initially, he was my friend Wayne’s (Electronscape/SIDBox)…You can tell because I wouldn’t have named him ‘Neelix’ for a start, the only Star Trek I was into was TNG. And no that doesn’t mean I would have named him Riker, Picard, Worf or Data either so don’t even go there!
Anyway, at first he was going to live with Wayne and his partner after he moved in with her, they already have a few cats. Problem is, Neelix has been used to solitude from the very start and he’s had a shaky start. So he didn’t get on with the other cats, in fact he caused chaos the entire night he was taken there and had to be brought back the next day by a sleep deprived Wayne. It was heart breaking for Wayne because Neelix himself had made the choice to come with me to the new place, I think the other cats were just too much for him. At the time I was just packing and preparing to move to the new place.
He actually didn’t complain much throughout the journey over here, the first night he was fine with the new place, even though he did hide a bit and was grumbling and growling every now and then… He even tried climbing up the chimney and started grumbling up the flue, I really wish I had recorded that, it was hilarious.

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So what have I been doing since I moved in with Rich, in the last third of 2021. Well We’ve been decorating the house (and filming parts of it so do expect upcoming videos) Basically getting rid of the grey, soul draining crap and trying to bring the sunshine in and brighten things up, we’ve been needing it, badly! Basically turning the place into a home, my new lair.

The good thing about it all is that we’ve got exactly the same interests, so there’s been more Amiga stuff, C64 stuff, vintage hi-fi stuff coming both our ways. Not to mention photography, especially film photography.

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It’s been a hectic year and everything’s been on fast forward, but I’ve somehow managed to put together an Xmas special video and currently I’m working on some Amiga videos.

I will be moving back and forth onto other topics which, as you should know by now is the nature of my channel, I don’t do just one thing, I have lots of interests.

I’ve got so many things I need to make videos on, so it’s not like I’m out of ideas, it’s just that there’s been too much to deal with psychologically and emotionally. As far as video ideas are concerned it’s been the opposite, I’ve got ideas fighting their way to get to the front row!

Thing is at the moment I don’t have a dedicated place, the attic room is going to be Ms Mad Lemon’s new project room, where I do my filming and projects, but the place needs some work doing, the flooring, the making of the workbench. Not to mention half of my stuff is still at my old place so I’m compromising a lot.
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So for the time being I’m finding makeshift places to create videos and get on with things. Every single room needs work on it and its only the two of us juggling it along with the every day things we have to do in life. So many things happening at once.

Anyway lots of things lined up but I just wanted to share with you in a nutshell, and believe me, despite this post being long, it really is a nutshell. I’ve severely summarised and only scratched the surface of it all, I’ve not even told you any details nor the ins and outs or anything, but I feel I’ve already said more than enough. Hoping you get the picture though and the reasons why there are delays in video posting and huge periods of time where I didn’t post.
At the end of the day, I don’t have a team and all the advantages and benefits that most big youtubers/content creators have. I’m just a humble little channel on my own and I do everything myself. True solo video creation is a lot of work, it requires serious commitment and work.

I do wish to keep a momentum going on my channel though and hopefully a return of my Nostalgia Time gaming videos, I do actually miss doing them.
Anyway I’ll leave it at this for now. Adios!

EDIT:

I have to say i’m touched by the comments and support i’ve received from a lot of you in response to this blog entry
It really makes a difference and means a lot to me <3
There are those who have genuinely empathised with me and shared their own situations in the blog post comments and on twitter and facebook.
Sending love, warmth and hugs to you who have been and are suffering the same and have been/are in similar situations. It is in times like this where we need to stick together,

I have posted a short update video showing what i'm up to and have left a thank you message to those of you who have reached out and those of you who are genuinely in a similar boat.

  1. Garth Howe

    Friday, January 21, 2022 - 03:51:52

    I hope life continues to get better for you. Covid has made good mental health so much more elusive for all of us. I enjoy the variety that you have on your channel. Take care.

  2. Nkos Skiadas

    Friday, January 21, 2022 - 15:05:28

    I sincerely hope everything works better for you from now on.

    I can’t claim I had a hard life by any stretch, but I am well aware of emotional pressure and situations that can trigger it. Lack of space (personal or/and objective), the limitations introduced (or should I say “inspired”?) by covid, all make for a rough ride. Recently I often find myself easily frustrated my menial things, only to realize that this is accumulated pressure that is kept under the “this too will pass” rug

    For the love of all that’s retro, Amiga etc etc. please keep up the good work, but at your own pace and comfort - results are always better this way

    Cheers!!

  3. Eric Pollock

    Friday, January 21, 2022 - 22:15:54

    I wish you peace of mind, love and all good things for you and your man.
    Awrabest to you Madija.
    Eric ^..^

  4. Murat

    Monday, January 24, 2022 - 18:42:05

    First of all best wishes to you Madija.

    After I read your blog post while remembering at the same time your previous videos with tea and laughters that gives a little bit of positivity while reading, I thought few things of which two are more dominant.

    First of all, although you yourself did need positivity in your life, you were giving away that to the people that is watching you. When think about it, that is I think such an amazing thing.

    Secondly, although there are much hardships on what you wrote here, I also see a lot of hope and good things that hopefully make you feel much much better with the time.

    Cheers.

  5. Michael

    Monday, January 24, 2022 - 19:45:20

    Just recently I was very nice to some people and got some true nastiness back from that - a true eye-opener into human nature! Just letting you know that I appreciate your videos; there’s too much commercial garbage produced today. Your videos remind me of the old Britain - find “BBC-1 first Breakfast Time Monday 17 January 1983” on YouTube - before everything turned ugly. Wishing you the best and looking forward to more “Ms Mad Lemon” episodes.

  6. Antonio

    Monday, January 24, 2022 - 22:43:25

    Dear Maddi, I think I know what you felt on those days. I also suffer from anxiety and depression, since ever, and I have to put up with my crack-addict dipshit father, who turns schizophrenic and violent, and thrashes the entire house once a week. Thankfully I have a secluded space he can’t access, but my mental health is always on the edge. Entire days of anguish and I still have to work and do everything else on my own. We are somewhat similar.
    Just wanted you to know I want you to be happy and have a quiet life. I’m happy you now have you other half to take care of you and give you all the love you deserve.
    Hope you get to have your own space in the new place, just like the old one or better.

    As for me, I’ll stick around your social media and channel as always. Take care, the worst has passed.

  7. Bas

    Tuesday, January 25, 2022 - 16:17:46

    Wow Maddi, unfortunately, I also have plenty of experience with anxiety, depression and narcissism (my father) and autism (my mother). Not really the greatest starts in life, but as I read here, non of us seem to be alone in this…
    It’s funny (not really), but many of the channels I stick with are from people with rucksacks, lots like yours. Perhaps because I can relate?
    I can only say that when I saw your videos (basically from the beginning) I felt a connection. Weird, as we’ve never met, spoken or anything. It’s the sensitivity I guess, and probably depth (character wise).
    Really good of course is ending up with Rich, getting married and building a life together! Brave new step and world!
    I kicked out social media years ago for it’s toxicity (and it sucked so much time out of my life without making me happier), so I’l going to stick with YouTube.
    Still, to see people like you doing projects and making videos also encourages me to do something, try something new. I really really love that!
    For now, I’m going to lie down for a bit. Just came home from the hospital, being treated by the student dentists for 2,5 hours straight… Ouch…..

  8. Sister Rose

    Friday, March 4, 2022 - 19:19:04

    I’m so sorry maddy I didn’t realise what you were going through! I noticed you being a lot quieter but I didn’t know why. I relate to what you say with regards anxiety & depression, and with regards dealing with narcissists(I usually call them “clout queens” or things like that). Because I’m such a naturally outspoken person I rub up against toxic manipulative people a lot(Which is ironic, since it’s a stereotype of the condition I have), and since they’re manipulative, they’re very quick to turn around and convince people you’re the bad one! In fact one of the manipulative people I ran afoul of that really traumatised me was recently outed as part of some major internet drama! What a small world.

    I’m someone who honestly needs a lot of help form others(that I generally don’t get) but like you I have tried to help people to the extent of wearing myself out… it’s so easy as a more sensitive soul to get taken advantage of!

    One thing I will say though is that there is no one way that “true” mentally ill people act! As someone who is Borderline I’m prone to being more public about my mental health struggles, sometimes compulsively, which gives people reason to attack me! The casual ableism in general has been really bad online lately, a lot of bad pop culture psychology and bad takes on accessibility from The Gamers. Just keep in mind we all have our own ways of dealing with it that are valid, though I can understand why you might have said that if you were dealing with self obsessed sorts.

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